Hong Kong

Winston

There was a family who lost their son, who they loved so much. One day, a little dog came into their lives. He came quickly and a little timidly. But he soon was bounding around the house and curling up next to his people and sleeping in their beds. Every day he led the lady outside to walk in the park. Without him, she might have stayed inside all day, never seeing the sky and stars and the seasons change. He made her laugh and he loved her back to life. He opened the man's heart and that was a hard thing to do. The little dog stayed just a short while. Then he got sick and had to leave this life. He ran quickly to the boy and they now play together and the little dog curls up next to him to sleep. He told the boy that his family is ok and they'll come to be with him when its time. The family miss the boy and the little dog but there is a special comfort in knowing they are together.

I should write something...

It's July. It's been nearly one year. It's hard to believe. Things have been happening. I've been going to the monthly grief support group. It's not a club I ever wanted to join, but it's helpful in it's own way. I've learned how lucky we've been. So many of the ladies have so much baggage in association with their chilren's deaths. Litigation, grandchildren they can no longer see, guilt for a son's suicide...etc. We have only the loss of Alex and ourselves to worry about. That's enough for anyone.

Thom and I have been working with Garden City Monument to design Alex's stone. It will be lovely, when it's done. I'm hoping it will be mounted by his birthday.

On July 3rd I went to Hamilton to the Daly Mansion and saw the oak tree that was dedicated to Alex. How wonderful of them to do that for us.

In March I applied for the Humanities Montana Speakers Bureau. In June I found out that I'd been accepted. Now I have the task of putting together a one hour program of Sarah Woody's life. I'm very excited by this new development. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Alex's garden is coming along nicely. There's a baby twisted locust tree, a sumac, bamboo, poppies and peonies and other sundry plant matter. The ornamental grasses I planted last fall didn't come back so I'll be replacing them soon.

I've decided to get a tattoo. It'll be on my left inner forearam; Alex's signature and a small panda. I have every intention to do that this summer.

That might be all for now. It's hard to concentrate to write but I wanted to catch up a bit. Hopefully I'll feel like writing again soon. Time will tel.

A Different Kind of Holiday Season

My holiday invitations are starting to roll in. They aren't the kind I'm used to. I'm invited to a grieving mother's support group brunch. I'm invited to a candle lighting ceremony at Garden City Funeral Home. I plan to attend them both. But these aren't the festive gatherings I usually go to. We have a tree up, in fact we have two Alex's panda tree is so cute at 4 feet tall with colored lights and filling up with ornaments. Our family tree is a new 7.5 ft artificial tree. It looks very nice and was a snap to put up. It adds a bit of cheer to our house. I've put the Santa collection up too. I don't know if I'll do any more. I have my snowman colleciton and my nativities too. Not sure if I'll get around to putting them out. We'll just wait and see. As with every other day, I'm just taking things as they come. One day at a time.

Two months of the "new normal"

I try to quiet my mind as much as possible. I want to stay in that place "above thought". Present, but not listening to the prattle of my mind. I miss him every minute of every day and I cry at the most inopportune moments, but if I can remain still and alert, I feel a peace and calmness wash over me. I'm gardening. Right outside his window is a planting area that's been left unattended for too long. I've cleared away most of the bindweed and planted a little sumac tree. I ordered a panda garden statue, on line, and he sits near the tree. I've put bulbs in for the spring and yesterday I planted a yellow cone flower that will come back next year. I want to put in clumping bamboo, ornamental grasses, oriental poppies, and a Japanese maple. I want it to be simple, easy and beautiful. It gives me something to think about and plan for and take care of. I hope I don't fail. I'm not a gardener, by any stretch of the imagination.

How could we know this would be the last one?

Brittney, Allison, Sarah, Alex
July 2011

Allison, Sarah, Jennie, Brittney
July 2011

If someone had told me that this would be the last photo I'd take of  my children (minus Katie) I would never have believed it. Sitting here today, one month after Alex's accident, I still can't believe it. He never wanted his picture taken and on this day I begged him to stand still for just one shot before he headed off into the farmers' market to play his guitar. I quickly shot two pictures and then he was gone, into the crowd to do his own thing. I'm not sure what made me insist on this day, but I'm so grateful that I did and that he tolerated it, for just a moment. 

Alex's last song

Alex, 2010

Miss You.

I'm really gonna miss you
Now I'm driving away
I hope that when I hold you
It'll be okay

On my way out of state
I'm counting the cars
Hoping to get my wish for you
Out of the stars

I hope you're having fun
And I hope you're laughing loud
No matter where you are
I can see hearts in the clouds

When you say 'hi'
I say 'hey cutie pie!'
My heart jumps in circles
Cuz I don't wanna say good-bye

When I hug you
It means I love you
When I leave
I'm gonna miss you

So hug me now
While you still can
And please don't stop
Till I'm an old, old man.

My son passed away in August 2011 and this is the last song he wrote and recorded. By clicking the link in the song title you can hear his last recording. We're blessed that he left notebooks full of song lyrics and several recordings of his music.